Western Pa. experts offer tips on navigating lingering election-related tensions over holidays

The events of the Nov. 5 presidential election divided states, demographics and, in many cases, families.

President-elect Donald Trump’s supporters celebrated the Republican candidate’s victory, while many who championed Democratic Vice President Kamala Harris fell into despair.

With Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and other holidays following so closely on the heels of Election Day, the emotional wounds that opened between family members on different sides of the political divide are still fresh — and could affect how families celebrate the holidays.

Local mental health professionals are reporting an uptick in anxiety, anger, confusion and depression among their patients. Some of those negative emotions are caused by family conflicts.

“Something like politics, culture, these are issues that we as humans don’t really have as much control over, so there’s that helplessness that my clients feel regarding the election,” said licensed social worker Amber Kanoza of Pittsburgh’s Carrick neighborhood.

“It’s been quite a turbulent past couple of weeks, being able to navigate what it all means,” said music therapist Elizabeth Ambrose of Pittsburgh’s East Liberty.

Several local residents declined to talk on the record to TribLive about their holiday plans, citing concerns that doing so would inflame already tense relationships.

Even under normal circumstances, the holidays can be stressful. But with these heightened conditions, local professionals offered strategies that they’re giving their patients to survive any verbal missiles lobbed over turkey and mashed potatoes.

Should I stay or should I go?

For those weighing the decision of whether to opt out of a family gathering, licensed social worker Jess Schiermeister — who sees clients at a private practice in Hampton — said people should look at the pros and cons.

“I always encourage folks to do a cost-benefit analysis,” she said. “Which option would have a more harmful impact to them?”

Many therapists stressed the importance of setting boundaries. Ambrose has put that into practice in her personal life as well.

“Even now, with politics being so polarized, a lot of those discussions can go awry very quickly, and being in certain settings, feelings can become elevated,” she said. “I’ve found success in trying to avoid and protect my peace as much as I can.”

Setting boundaries includes warning family members ahead of time about topics you won’t discuss and removing yourself from the situation if those wishes are repeatedly ignored.

“I recognize that’s really hard,” Ambrose said. “Try to have those firm boundaries and be very upfront.”

Keep your feet on the ground

Two pieces of advice consistently arose among the pros for those keeping their regular holiday traditions: Have a plan and keep your emotions under control.

Kanoza suggested grounding and mindfulness exercises.

“The purpose of doing that is having a sense of awareness for yourself: What do I need? How am I feeling? Where am I feeling this stress?” she said.

Taking five minutes to breathe, meditate and take stock of your body and mind beforehand can be a big help.

Schiermeister suggested going so far as writing a script in your phone’s notes app for how you will respond to unwanted political talk.

Aaron Beckley, a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Hampton, recommended a technique called “gray rocking.”

“Imagine yourself as a rock,” Beckley said. “If it rains, you’re a rock; it doesn’t matter. If the sun beats down, you’re a rock. Imagine yourself that way, no matter what they say. Your emotions are yours. How you express them is under your control.”

Self-care matters

If things get heated, there are strategies to employ during — and after — to lower your stress levels.

Being a music therapist, Ambrose often directs clients to make carefully curated playlists to help with emotional regulation. Start with music that matches your anger or anxiety, then taper off.

“Slowly decrease it or move it to a place where maybe there’s some calmer music at the tail end of the playlist, moving … from a ragey state to a more relaxed place,” she said.

Feel free to take a break. If a conversation is escalating, “Go hang out with the dog for a while, go outside, take a walk, go to the bathroom, call a friend, say a prayer, do whatever works,” said Mike Elliot, licensed professional counselor and clinical director of Elliot Counseling in East Liberty.

Creating a “self-soothe kit” is a way to relax all five senses, Schiermeister said. Bundle items you find comforting using the guide of smell, taste, touch, sight and sound.

“Is there a particular soft blanket they like? Is there a particular candle that they really enjoy? Is there a TV show that always brings them comfort?” Elliot said.

These collections can be made portable in the midst of heightened situations. Take a square of your favorite chocolate, some great-smelling lotion and other objects in a purse, or leave them in your car for easy access.

Building a found family

For the 23% who are avoiding their relatives this year, finding a community of their own will be an important step.

“Really lean on the people who are going through similar issues as you. What we can do is help comfort each other,” Kanoza said.

No matter the politics, people may feel walled off from their typical support system for any number of reasons. Schiermeister said they shouldn’t feel lonely.

“The week of the election, every single one of my clients said that they felt alone — all of them. And obviously they’re not, because each and every one of them said that to me,” she said.

Hosting a “Friendsgiving” event and finding new ways to celebrate traditions will help keep the holidays bright.

“I’d recommend looking at it the same way that someone would feel with grief, like if a loved one died and this was the first holiday without them,” Beckley said. “Remember those positive times. What were the traditions that were meaningful? How do I take that and do it for myself to hold the meaning that I want?”

Bridging the divide

Eventually working to heal the divide will require patience, self-reflection and acknowledgment of others’ feelings.

With just a little more than three weeks between the presidential contest and the start of the holiday season, some will have to understand that there just hasn’t been time to process yet.

Compassion for everyone will be required.

“Try to be more mindful and try to be more empathetic as to why those individuals are reacting the way that they are. There’s space to grow and investigate,” Kanoza said.

Schiermeister hopes there could be more space for listening, not just reacting. “And when I say listening, I don’t mean immediately becoming defensive or turning it into an argument,” she said.

“Pointing fingers at each other isn’t getting us anywhere,” Elliot said. “So I think, where I can come in and have a positive conversation? I’m going to try to do that. And where I don’t feel that’s possible, I’m going to keep walking.”