Heartache: Murrysville family honors the memory of loved one

When Debbie and Jeff O’Connor walked through the door from an early December trip last year, they immediately saw it.

The Christmas tree was in its place in the patio room.

“My daughter Caitlin had brought the tree up from downstairs,” Debbie O’Connor said. “She wanted to surprise us, and she definitely did.”

Then Debbie O’Connor got teary eyed.

The sadness came because she thought of her son Zach, who looked forward to setting up the tree every year.

“He loved Christmas,” his mother said. “He would always help his dad bring up the tree from downstairs. It was a tradition. It is hard to celebrate the holidays, but we do to keep his memory alive. Grief hits you in waves.”

It was the first Christmas without their son.

Zachary “Zach” John O’Connor died by suicide on Sept. 17, 2021.

He was 25 years old.

“Every day is tough,” said O’Connor, of Murrysville. “There are so many things that trigger grief. This is devastating. With the way he died, I feel I could have done something to prevent it. I have a lot of guilt.”

Wants to help others

O’Connor wanted to share her story in hopes that no one else has to endure such tremendous pain.

On Sept. 16, 2021, Zach left work at 11 a.m. at the collision repair shop where he worked, according to a co-worker. He was upset about text messages he received from a girl who said she didn’t want anything to do with him because he was broke.

“I think that really, really may have put him over the edge,” his mother said.

Her son had periods of situational depression, O’Connor said. He was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. Zach cashed in a certificate of deposit. He used the money to purchase a handgun.

A ranger in Northmoreland Park in Allegheny Township found Zachary near where he often had gone fishing.

Fishing was his passion.

His sister Caitlin, 25, a registered nurse for UPMC, said her brother was unique and shy, yet funny once you got to know him. Her favorite memory is fishing with him at the lake in Northmoreland Park.

They had to be quiet because “the fish won’t bite when there is noise,” he would tell her. Zachary would help with the bait and take a fish off the hook if she caught one.

“I hope I never forget that peace of just being with him at the lake,” Caitlin said. “That was his most happy environment. We didn’t have to talk about anything or worry about anything. … We were just fishing.”

All the firsts

The past year has been extremely difficult, Caitlin said.

O’Connor and her daughter continue to search for a reason. Both know they will never find an answer.

O’Connor tried to retrieve texts from her son’s smartphone but was unable.

“I think God was telling me I didn’t need to see those text messages,” said O’Connor, who added she appreciates the support she has received from members of the Mother of Sorrows Roman Catholic Parish in Murrysville.

“My parents are very strong, and they have their faith and that is very important to them,” Caitlin said. “They want to create awareness and want to let people know they aren’t alone.

“There are times when you go through something like this that you feel alone. It’s complicated and often hard to get the words out for how I feel.”

Dr. Paul Friday, chief of psychology for UPMC Shadyside and president of Shadyside Psychological Services, said the pandemic has been difficult for everyone, and, for young people, it affected their social dynamic.

When comforting someone who has lost a parent or a sibling, he said it is best for family and friends to listen more than they talk.

“We have one mouth and two ears,” he said. “Sometimes we try too hard to give the perfect sentence, and we can’t. If we haven’t lost a child or a sibling, we can’t truly understand.”

Searching for answers

A few days after she buried her son, O’Connor went to the gun shop and showed one of the employees her son’s picture. He was a young man about the same age as Zach, she said.

“I asked if he remembered seeing him the previous week,” she said. “He asked if there was a problem, and I said, ‘There was a big problem.’ I told him what happened.”

He told her he was sorry and that he didn’t suspect anything unusual about Zach that day.

“I will pray for you,” he told O’Connor. “He asked if he could give me a hug. He was so kind. It was a little bit consoling to me.”

O’Connor plans to participate in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention walk at 10:30 a.m. Saturday, Sept. 10, at Highmark Stadium on Pittsburgh’s South Side.

“Zach is still with us,” O’Connor said. “I have talked to him. I have seen him in my dreams. I try to stay positive because if you don’t, then you won’t get out of bed. I believe I will see him again. He is in heaven, and he’s not struggling anymore. He feels good about himself.”

Consoling others

When Zach’s friends came to the funeral home, his mother talked to them.

“I said, ‘See how hard this is?’ ” she said. “Zach regrets doing this. Promise me you won’t do this. You don’t want your parents to go through this grief and sorrow.”

The family had a memorial service at Northmoreland Park in June, his birthday month. O’Connor made keychains with Zach’s picture for guests.

“When your loved one hurts, you hurt too,” said O’Connor.

Zach loved playing hockey at Murrysville Sportzone. The family donated money to help defray costs for a player to be on a travel team.

They also bought Christmas gifts for a mother and three daughters and made a monetary donation to Mission Agape Center in White Oak.

“I pray to God something will come out of this horrible situation,” O’Connor said. “It is heart-wrenching. There are so many young people who think that there is no hope.”

Caitlin said the loss of her brother is like trying to fill a void that can’t be filled. Small things bring sadness, such as most restaurant tables are set for four people.

“We only fill three seats now,” Caitlin said.

She said she learned one of the best things to say to someone grieving is “I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.”

Holidays are tough

O’Connor said her son’s friends are lost without him.

“Something like this affects so many people that if I can do something to help one family not have to go through this, then sharing the story will be worth it,” said O’Connor, who every year purchases Christmas ornaments, one for Caitlin and another for Zach.

She keeps them in two boxes and had planned to give them to her children when they have their own families.

Last October, she bought a hand-crafted leather stocking with a fish design on it at the Apple ’n Arts Festival in Delmont. She said she didn’t have her credit card or enough cash to pay for it. The vendor trusted her to send a check.

She displayed the stocking on the mantel.

Caitlin said she knew how difficult Christmas would be so that’s why she decided to put up the tree in her brother’s memory.

She wanted to ease the pain for her parents.

“Christmas was rough,” Caitlin said. “It was hard for me to put up the tree, but I wanted to do it for my parents. Christmas was my brother’s favorite time of year. He believed in Santa Claus at an age later than most of us. He had an innocence, and that fantasy type of thing was easier than facing reality.”

O’Connor said she knows families when they lose someone who don’t celebrate the holidays.

“We believe he is still with us,” she said. “That’s why I bought him that stocking.”

Connect with a trained crisis counselor by calling 988. The call is confidential, free and always available.

Visit the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988lifeline.org