Mark Madden: A Steelers mock draft that certainly addresses the quarterback position

Forget Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay. It’s time for the Mark Madden mock draft.

It’s Pittsburgh Steelers only. Who cares about the other teams?

I did over 15 minutes of research (nearly 20) and drilled down deep on the Steelers’ needs.

Really, it was easy. The Steelers’ draft conducts itself. Every pick is obvious.

First round: Kenny Pickett, QB, Pitt. Trade up to get him. Sacrifice whatever is necessary. First-born children, anything. Pickett is the savior regardless of meager hand size. He will start immediately. If Pickett tries that fake slide in the NFL, a foe will give him a fake concussion. PICKETT ONLY HAS TO MOVE RIGHT ACROSS THE PARKING LOT! So cool.

Second round: Carson Strong, QB, Nevada. I can’t believe he was still on the board. He’s a “linear-built pocket passer,” it says here. What’s that mean? It sounds impressive.

Third round: Bailey Zappe, QB, Western Kentucky. One scouting report called him a “decisive decision-maker.” Good. I want my decision-makers to be decisive.

Fourth round: Dorian Thompson-Robinson, QB, UCLA. He’s got a long name. I assume he can throw the long ball. His name is even lengthier than Roethlisberger. (Thompson-Robinson goes by DTR. So cool.) Thompson-Robinson threw two interceptions in the first quarter vs. Southern Cal, then rebounded to post four touchdown passes and two rushing TDs. Those two first-quarter picks encourage me. An inconsistent quarterback who occasionally stinks is what’s best for business.

The Steelers don’t have a fifth- or sixth-round pick. That’s a shame. Tom Brady was a sixth-round pick. So was Spence Fischer.

Seventh round (first pick): EJ Perry, QB, Brown. He’s smart. He went to an Ivy League school. He doesn’t need football. (Neither does actual rocket scientist Josh Dobbs. But Dobbs still eschews doing important work to cash practice-squad checks and chase an impossible dream. He and Perry can take turns holding the clipboard.)

Seventh round (second pick): Dustin Crum, QB, Kent State. He went to the same school as all-time Steelers badass Jack Lambert. That should be good enough for anyone.

Sleeper pick: Phil Jurkovec, QB, Boston College. Jurkovec went to Pine-Richland High School. HE ONLY HAS TO DRIVE DOWN 279! (I think. I’m trusting MapQuest.) Jurkovec did not declare for the draft. But he’s a local kid, and the Steelers need a quarterback. The NFL would allow it, perhaps as reward for the Steelers having the league’s only Black head coach until Miami hired Mike McDaniel on Sunday.

That’s my mock draft. It could fall apart if the Steelers trade any or all of those picks to move up to get Pickett, or acquire Aaron Rodgers, Russell Wilson, Jimmy Garoppolo, etc.

Related:

• Madden Monday: Opinion on Steelers QB situation unchanged after Senior Bowl hype over Kenny Pickett, Malik Willis
• Mark Madden's Hot Take: Instead of trading for Minkah Fitzpatrick, Steelers should have tanked in '19
• Pittsburgh ranked as top city for football fans

My mock draft fits the narrative.

The Steelers’ top offseason priority is getting a quarterback. Placate the citizens. Nothing else matters as much, not even fixing the NFL’s worst offensive line. (Just bring back Mike Munchak as offensive line coach. He can shine crap. Or perhaps he could play.)

Plan B: Bring Devlin “Duck” Hodges home from the Ottawa Redblacks of the Canadian Football League.

Hodges is a backup at Ottawa. But he’s popular in Pittsburgh and a merchandising icon. Remember that time he almost got the Steelers to the playoffs and the entire city quacked? Glorious.

Plan C: Sign whoever Hodges was backing up in Ottawa. He must be really good.